Fathed’s Guide to a smaller Fathed.

For those of you who haven’t seen the physical form of the Fathed, he’s a bit smaller than you may have previously seen. I have since put some of the weight back on. Some intentionally, some unintentionally. At my lowest I was down to 183 pounds. I felt I was getting too skinny, without getting lean. If that makes any sense. (Then there was the holidays.) I had a bunch of people ask me what I did, so I figure I’d do a brief write-up.

The diet it plan I followed was what was called “Carb Nite” by a guy named Kiefer. Essentially you eat a keto diet for 6 and 1/2 days of the week, then eat a bunch of carbs on one night of the week. The idea is that the carbs keep certain hormone such as leptin and stuff in check, while keeping insulin down for most of the week. It’s probably somewhat pseudoscience, but it is roughly the basic framework that bodybuilders have been cutting with forever.

As for specifics, I don’t know what to say. I ate fat, and a lot of it over the week. My meals included basically meat, green veggies, and some more added fat. I added melted butter to my green veggies. I cooked my eggs in bacon fat. I even drank heavy cream straight from the container because I’m a lazy prick like that.

I logged everything I ate because I’m a nerd like that. I wanted all data points to detect any possible patterns and problems that may pop up. It also makes me feel like a scientist experimenting on himself. I never cared about specific daily calories, just a weekly total. I aimed for about 15000 calories in any given week. Once you body gets used to the keto thing, your hunger seems to drop. There were days that I only logged 1000 calories and genuinely didn’t feel hungry. The fun parts were the Saturday nights. I literally ate whatever I wanted. One week I had a 4000 calorie window for my carb nite, so I ate a whole pepperoni pizza and an entire box of donuts….lol

The results, well….


I quit logging weight because I was getting lazy in the end and not logging daily. Hence the sporadicness towards the end.

Start: 208

Total loss: 25 lbs

Fat loss (according to cheap calipers that came free as a gift for ordering more than $100 from bodybuilding.com): 14 lbs

Added bonus, both my resting pulse rate and blood pressure reduced slightly. Not bad for a person who normally abuses the shit out of his body.

I didn’t take pictures because I don’t take or like pictures. So don’t ask.

Now that it’s several months from that experiment, I’m about to start again. This time with no carb nites, just straight up keto. I signed up for the 100 day keto challenge on Reddit. For me it’s not that bad because I love meat and bacon more that cookies and candy.

My one regret is no resistance training. I would love to know if I could have spared more lean mass if I included weight lifting. THe problem is that Fond du Lac gyms all suck. I hate people. And the one gym I liked closed. Probably for the reason I liked it. I could go in and there would be no one watching or bothering me. But for now I’ll just stick to casually wandering around for an hour or so, late at night, like a creepy asshole, as my sole exercise.

But I guess this time I do get to see if removing or including the carb nite has any effect on my own body specifically in terms of sparing lean mass. Bear in mind that although roughly 40% of the weight loss previously was lean mass, at least 5-7 lbs of that were most likely water.




Transgenderism and what it means to be a man.

I recently had this video shared to me on Twitter.

My first thought was “Ok, I have a rather awkward erection to take care of”. I am perfectly aware that she has no tits and a package dangling between her legs. But she looks good. And she really has the female thing down. Watch her eye and facial movements. Listen to the inflection in her voice. I don’t know if they can train that, or if it just comes naturally with hormone replacement therapy. But it works. It is very feminine.

But seriously, it is an interesting video. As someone who has been balls deep in gender politics recently, it is good to listen to people who have been on both sides of the gender spectrum. It is a rather unique perspective.

I myself have spent a lot of time avoiding the topic of transgenderism. It’s a hard topic to delve into. I completely agree that transgenderism is real. It is a consequence of believing that parts of gender are biological. Whether it is hardwiring in the brain, or prenatal hormone levels in the fetus, somethings just are biological. So it would only make sense that in rare cases “things could get switched up”.

But gender dysphoria is probably also very real. There are probably people who genuinely feel like they are labeled the wrong gender at birth, but maybe aren’t necessarily transgender. It is a spectrum and where you draw the line between the two is probably impossible to say. But judging from the extremely high suicide rate for post reassignment surgery, it is something that needs to be looked at much better by the medical establishment. But I’m also sure the radical retard left with the loudest voices probably makes this almost impossible as well.

The point of all this is to say that I have dived as deep into the world of transgenderism as a lone individual can do over like one week. Which is to say basically not at all. There were a lot of interesting things that I learned. Like for instance, among the older transgender folks, surprisingly a rather large chunk of them are actually rather conservative people. Because I spend so much time reading idiot Tumblrites, I just assumed that most were whiny leftists. But it turns out, there are a rather large population of people like Caitlyn Jenner.

But I think the most interesting conversation was this interview with a trans-man. That is he was born a female and transitioned into a man.

Since this video is over an hour long, and the audio quality is rather terrible on Zander’s end, I expect exactly zero people will watch it. But there are two things that really caught my attention. One, when he speaks at conferences and stuff, the number one question asked is “How does it feel to have male privilege now?”. These asshats really ask this shit.

But the more interesting thing he talks about is how alone he suddenly feels in the world. He openly says that when he was still a woman, he was a very butch looking lesbian. But when he would smile at strangers they would smile back. People were always asking him how he was doing. How he felt. Shit like that. But as a man when he smiles at strangers, they cross the street or avert eye contact. Almost no one ever asks how he’s doing or how he’s feeling.

This kind of gets to what does it mean to be a man. I think that one sentiment gets to the heart of it. There is always going to be a debate about how much gender identity is nature versus nurture. Certainly the truth is that it is a complicated mix of them both. But I think the idea of “being a man is to be alone” sums up masculinity. I say this because all traits that we tend to define as masculine can necessarily follow from that sentiment.

“Men” are forced to be stoic because no one really cares about your feelings. “Men” are forced to be self reliant because no one wants to help men. The fact that 90+% of the homeless in this country can attest to this. The list could go on but I think my point gets across.

I’m sure everyone probably thinks I’m an idiot. I probably am. But it is something think about.

Transgender bonus round. I’ve always been curious as to why in the darker parts of the internet, like chan boards, people were always obsessed with fapping to “traps” and “trannies”. For the longest time I’ve always assumed it was just chan board “edgelord” shit. But a thought occurred to me. There are literally almost no “butch” transgender women. Even the women were started out life as men, but still have sex with women after their transition (that is to say they’re lesbians) are very feminine. Maybe in a world where more and more women are getting very short almost boyish haircuts, where you’re told you’re an asshole for not being attracted to women who weigh more than you, where the women around you are constantly being proud of farting and belching in public, some men are desperate for women who are very overtly feminine. I don’t know and have no way to even think about how to study this though, but it is interesting to think about.

Free Speech, Men’s Rights, and the Red Pill

My history with gender politics

I’m ashamed to admit it now, but there was once a time I called myself a feminist. Or at least a feminist ally. It just seemed like the logical step to take as an atheist, humanist, and a liberal. But then I went to University. The first thing I did to change that was take a gender studies class. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. I think genuine objective study of modern gender studies will create more anti-feminists, just like a serious study of the bible creates atheists. The other thing that really changed my mind was talking to actual real modern feminists. So many are just so stupid.

But Fathed, what does this have to do with the “Men’s Rights” in the title?

Well, to get to the rest of my point in this post I need to talk about my history with the Men’s Rights movement. To get it out of the way, I am not a Men’s Rights Activist. I had never actually heard of the MRM until like 2 and a half years ago. I was in a particularly dark mood at the moment. Above and beyond my otherwise slow descent into madness. To entertain myself I found myself trolling different communities on the internet. I found the MRM on reddit and my immediate opinion was “these whiny bitches sound like feminists constantly whining about being oppressed”. It is my opinion that no one in the modern western industrialized world is oppressed. (I have a post started on this, hopefully I’ll quit being lazy and post it soon) So I had to fuck with them.

But then I actually started to realize that a lot of the people were just men that were hurting. In particular there were a lot of former soldiers, and their stories particularly tugged at my heartstrings because I have a lot of great friends that were/are former/current soldiers. On these different forums there were men who came home from Iraq/Afghanistan to empty homes because their wives left them during their 3+ tours. There were men who had lost up to half of their group to suicide (sorry, I’m ignorant of the proper naming of groups in the military by size). Stuff like that.

I quickly felt like an asshole. I moved on and forgot about the MRM. The only trace of the MRM in my life was I started following a youtuber named Drrandomercam. He’s just awesome though.

Then the Elliot Rodger thing happened. Everyone knows about that. But the thing that pissed me off was that everyone in the main stream media was spreading the narrative that he was an MRA. This is just false. I watched his videos. I read parts of his manifesto. He was clearly a young man that was seriously disturbed. He clearly had a severe case of narcissism and an in-general disdain for the world and all people. But nothing he said was anything that was in line to what I knew about the MRM. He wasn’t talking about divorce and child custody loss. Or male suicide. Or circumcision. Or the gender inequity in the criminal courts. The closest connection to the MRM was his subscribing to a couple pickup artist things. Pick-up Artists (PUAs) are not MRAs. They are just a bunch of (mostly) asshole men trying to teach other men tricks on how to bed women. In fact the PUAs and MRAs quite often hate each other. Honestly though, Is anyone surprised that an awkward 22 year old virgin, who’s whole life seemed to be fixated on sex, was subscribed to PUA stuff?

What this incident taught me was just how Orwellian the media had become. He who controls the narrative controls the truth. To this day I’m sure most people believe Eliot Rodger was an MRA. I found myself constantly defending the MRM, despite not really caring about their movement. Just because I care about the truth over anything. The people that I was arguing were not stupid people either. Many of them were people that I otherwise had tremendous respect for their intellectual endeavors. But they either simple trusted the mainstream media, or had a genuine political interest in destroying the MRM by lumping Rodger with them. (read feminists)

For a perfect modern example, look at Bernie Sanders vs. Hillary Clinton. The people seem to love Sanders. After the first debate almost every online poll showed Sanders as the winner. But the DNC and media have a major interest in Hillary winning, so they just deleted their polls and declared Clinton the winner. I genuinely believe Hillary will win the democratic nomination. Not because she necessarily has the support of the people, but because she is the establishment. The establishment controls the narrative. So she will probably win.  So much for democracy.

Free Speech and “The Red Pill”

I am a firm believer that freedom of speech and expression is the most important human right. Controlling speech is how you can control the narrative. How you control the people. As someone who believes in finding the truth no matter what, I genuinely believe the path to the truth involves allowing all and every perspective to be able to voice themselves, and the truth will bubble to the surface.

This is why I particularly hate the modern radical left. They don’t care about the truth. They care about feelings over facts. They are major supporters of particularly nasty policy called No Platforming. This disgusting policy should be offensive to anyone that genuinely cares about the truth and/or human rights. As is often attributed to Voltaire, though maybe not necessarily truthfully:


One of the things the MRM complains about most is that they are given the No Platform treatment. There’s a Youtube video that went viral of the protesters at a Warren Farrell speech where the feminist protesters ended up pulling the fire alarms to try preventing the talk. At the 1st International Conference on Men’s Issues put on by A Voice for Men, their first venue cancelled on them due to threats of violence. Even after they raised addition funds to purchase the services of off duty police officers. Luckily for them, they were able to move to a nearby VFW. They basically said we fought for your right to free speech, everyone should have their say.

Whether you agree with them or not, as a liberal I think this behavior should be abhorrent to you. Let everyone speak. But not only let them speak. It should be your duty to listen. If they’re idiots, mock them. That is how the world deals with the Westboro Baptist church. This is something I firmly believe in. You would be surprised by the people I follow on Twitter. Obviously I follow quite a few better known physicists and astronomers to be able to keep up with current events. But I follow republicans, democrats, and libertarians. I follow feminists. Actually only 1 MRA, and that’s Karen Straughn. I follow porn stars and strippers. I follow “weev”, one of the world’s most famous “hackers”, and self proclaimed white nationalist. I follow all kinds of people because I believe in listening to everyone.

Along comes Cassie Jay.

Cassie Jay is an award winning documentarian and self proclaimed feminist. For the past two and a half years, she has been working on a documentary about her journey through understanding the MRM. (I’ll link her kickstarter and video below.) It appears she herself is getting a first hand experience with the policy of “no platforming”. She was having zero luck getting funding to finish up her documentary. She found producers willing to help her out. But they wanted some creative control and pretty much demanded that she turn her documentary into a hit piece trashing the MRM. She refused to do it. She wants to stick to her guns as a documentarian and try remaining as objective as possible. For that I have nothing but respect.

So she was forced into crowdfunding post production on her film. Here’s what gets kind of interesting to me. Whether or not this turns into a hit piece against the MRM, they all openly supported it just to have their voices heard. It’s amusing to me because they are proudly supporting it with very limited skepticism. I guess the inner troll in me is waiting to laugh if this turns into a hit piece anyways. It did end up getting its funding in large part due to an article written about it by Milo Yiannopolous (I have a post planned about him). I suspect this was mostly to try to stick it to the feminist establishment. But whatever. Another person gets to throw their voice out for us to judge. Hopefully most judge on the merits of the content. But I can’t control other people’s thought processes.

“The Red Pill” kickstarter

In the end I really don’t care. It’s just one example to show no platforming. Heck even the once prominent feminist Germaine Greer is learning about “no platforming” first hand. I believe all of us that care about truth, free speech, and liberal principles should be adamantly doing something to fight this policy of no platforming. I’ll end this with one of my favorite speeches by the late great Christopher Hitchens about free speech.

Who Needs Equality?

Well the arguments about same-sex marriage are in. Being the open minded individual that I am I decided to weigh all the arguments before making a decision. That said, I do hereby wish to publicly state my opinion on same-sex marriage. I do hereby no longer support marriage equality. I am now of the opinion that the government should only support and recognize same-sex marriage. As usual I will back up my position with flawless logic.

1) It protects the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. If we look up the word sanctity in the dictionary it reads “The state or quality of being holy, sacred, or saintly”. As we all know, government is by its nature evil and ineffective. Therefore, having government’s hand in heterosexual marriage will only taint it. Everyone wins, same-sex couples get government recognition of their love, opposite-sex couples will have a sacred marriage uncorrupted by government hands.

Well, I guess single people don’t win here. But, fuck them! Everyone knows it is your duty as an American to get married. If you’re not married by now, you’re probably too ugly or stupid to find a partner anyways. America is the greatest nation on Earth. We don’t need your inferior genetics in our gene pool. Further research into deporting these traitorous scum is needed.


2) It is in the best interest of our nation’s children. Studies have shown that children raised  by same sex couples are less likely to be arrested for criminal behavior and more likely to graduate from college than their traditionally raised counterparts. Most state’s adoption policies give preferential treatment to married couples. Therefore it is in the best interest of our nation’s children to only recognize same-sex marriage so more children can be raised by same-sex couples.

I also propose a five billion dollar grant to research the possibility of outlawing opposite-sex parenting. Perhaps we should consider only using them as “baby-making factories”.

3) It reinforces our belief that marriage should be taken seriously. Same-sex couples have a much lower divorce rate than opposite sex couples. The fact that this is because most couldn’t be married in the first place is irrelevant. Marriage is serious and should not be taken lightly. Therefore only same-sex couples are qualified for governmental recognition.

Long term studies are needed. Should same-sex couple divorce rate rise to as high as current opposite sex rates, me may need to reconsider and remove all government recognition of marriage.

Share this if you agree. I spent several hours contemplating this, what I consider to be, well thought out argument. Thank you for your time.

I’m going to Hell for this


“And as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and blessed it, and broke it, and gave it to the disciples, and said, Take, eat; this is my body.”

“And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink you all of it;” – Matthew 26:26-27

Pretty fucking silly, no? For those of you who don’t know, these lines are from the dinner Jesus had with his disciples the night  before being crucified. (For those of you that are actually Christians, this would be Thursday night) Most forms of Christianity honor this moment in their communion ceremonies. The Catholics take it to an ever higher level of insanity by claiming that at the moment of communion the communion wafer and wine literally turn into the actual body and blood of Christ. I went to Catholic CCD, they tried teaching me this crap.

Quite honestly the whole communion ceremony was always stupid to me. It was pretty much the thing that opened the door to me questioning the absurdity of religion. Why would Jesus want his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood? Why would his disciples actually do it? If God is omnipotent, why would he waste his time turning bread into flesh and wine into blood? What a fucking douchebag.

I have been thinking about it and I think I have come up with the solution. The biblical account of the Passover dinner speech Jesus gave to his disciples was just wrong. I think it went more like this:

I’ve had one desire since I was born
To see my body ripped and torn
To see my flesh devoured before my eyes
Only for you , I volunteer as a human sacrifice

Carve me up, slice me apart
Suck my guts and lick my heart
Chop me up, I like to be hurt
Drink my marrow and blood for dessert

My one desire, my only wish is to be-
The longer I live the more I’m dying to feel the pain
I would do anything to be-
My one desire, my only wish is to be-

Lyrics are compliments of Bloodbath, from their song Eaten, from their album Nightmares Made Flesh.

I’m sure by now there is at least one person foaming at the mouth. I don’t expect it to be any comfort, but that song isn’t really about Jesus. It is inspired by the case of Armin Meiwes and Bernd Brandes.

Happy Easter everyone, mwahahahahah!!!!!


This post is about one simple three-letter word. Why. This one simple word is arguably the most important word in all of human history. When people asked “why?”, some of the greatest advancements in every subject from physics to ethics were made. The lack of people willing to ask “why?” has led to some of the darkest times in human history. Newton answering the question “why does the apple fall to the Earth” brought in the era of modern physics. (although technically he didn’t sufficiently answer why. That took Einstein) The fact that not enough people asked “why are we burning all these libraries and destroying all the knowledge of the ancient world?” brought about the dark ages. The word “why” can question authority and common knowledge assumed to be true. Often in answering the question, we come to our greatest discoveries.

We as humans tend to follow authority without question. Even when people claim to be questioning one authority, they are usually just parroting something another authority said without once questioning it. A quick glance at your Facebook feed during any heated political argument should make this obvious.

The other side of this coin is that when we gain some authority over others, we tend to demand obedience without questioning. This is most obvious when we look at how we act towards our children. In fact this post was inspired by a silly image shared on Facebook. It was a list of things about being a parent, and one of them was “when I tell you something, you don’t ask why”. Are we really doing the best for our children with this attitude? I admit I neither have kids, nor have any expectation of having them. So you may argue my lack of experience gives me no right to talk about parenting, but I think it gives me an unbiased opinion.

Listen, I know when a kid is three years old and the only thought it has are “I’m hungry” and “Lisa took my toy”, it is necessary to establish authority. But young kids are by their nature inquisitive. It to me just seems we do our best to squash that thirst for knowledge right away. Mostly because it makes our lives easier. At least admit that to me. You just spent 8 hours at the factory, you’re tired. But even what seems to be the most annoying of questions is important. For instance, you say to your kid “I’m your mother, don’t talk back to me”. When the kid asks “why?”, you just immediately jump to the assumption that he’s a smart talking pain in the ass. But really, if you think about it, it is a valuable question. The truth is you probably don’t have an answer to the question. It’s just something your parents yelled at you, so now you’re yelling it at your kids. But really, why? It is also important because in your answering the question you could maybe teach a lesson in respect and proper behavior. But instead we ignore the question and try squashing the behavior.

But we also try instilling this behavior of obedience to authority to other aspects of our lives. Take church for example. We force our kids to sit there and listen to some priest or minister or whatever, and if they ask “why?” we scream at them. I understand why. Our parents took us to church and yelled at us for questioning it. We think an education in morals requires religion. The real truth is that this BS can not withstand scrutiny. We know it in our hearts, but still feel a compulsion to put our kids through it. I myself am a perfect example of why you don’t want inquisitive children. I was forced to go to Catholic CCD classes as a kid. My mother is a perfect example of the naive adult that just assumes you need religion to be a good person. But at the same time she was extremely willing to allow me to absorb any knowledge I wanted. I without a doubt read more books, and watched more PBS, as an elementary school student, than you’ll ever meet. My CCD teachers had to suffer the consequences. I kind of feel a bit bad for them now when I look back at it. They were mostly just volunteers who had no real good knowledge of what they were teaching, so they were ill-prepared for questioning. I mean who expects an 8-year-old kid to ask “if god loves everyone, why would he create hell in the first place? It seems rather mean. When I do something bad, my mom punishes me. But the next day she still makes me breakfast”. I myself did not last much past first communion. Once I became aware of the idea that you were literally eating the body and blood of Christ, I pretty much knew it was stupid even back then. Even if the young person inside me still wanted to believe in a god.

But I think the aspect of this behavior of teaching obedience to authority that has the biggest detriment to our society is teachers. If ever there was a group of people we should be encouraging them to ask “why?”, it would be teachers. I think a few of the reasons why are: One, we think it makes our kids look a pain in the ass, and that reflects poorly upon us as parents. Two, we’re afraid they’ll bring that behavior home. Three, we’ve sort of equated learning with memorization and not actually understanding a subject.

I think this has dire effects on our society. One, it allows teachers to not actually have to understand the subject they are teaching. For instance, to teach middle school Earth Science you aren’t required to actually have a science degree. You are required to have an education degree. So they may not actually have a firm grasp on the subject they are teaching. They can get away with this because we aren’t encouraging our kids to question them. Two, like I said, the greatest moment of discovery often comes with answering the question “why?”. I don’t just mean question like “Why don’t protons repel each other in the nucleus of an atom?”. That is a wonderful question to ask. If there comes a day that my niece or nephew ask me a question like that I may breakdown and cry. But even questioning the whole philosophy of the current education paradigm is good. A question like “why do I have to take so much math?” can be extremely informative to a young mind. I am of course assuming they can answer it and not just yell “because I said so”.

A similar idea is our failure to question our textbook publishers. Most of our textbooks for elementary and middle school children are often written by educators and not people who necessarily have an expertise in a field. In fact, when it comes to science education, the textbook companies are often quite hostile to scientists trying to help them out. There are literally hundreds of professional working scientists that have over the years attempted to write textbooks for middle and elementary school children. Usually after being appalled at the level of education their own children were receiving from the textbooks of the time. Almost every one of them was basically told “Fuck off! We’re the educators, we know what we’re doing”. But do they?

The dominance we Americans once held in education is long gone. When comparing ourselves to the rest of the first world we’re usually last or near last in every subject. It’s a disgrace. I know it may come off like I’m against teachers. The truth is they have one of the hardest jobs. But maybe our standards are misguided. We still have the best post-secondary education available in the world. But they are becoming increasingly filled with students from other countries because our children are ill-prepared. Hell, even our university professors are increasingly foreign. While studying at UW-Madison I had one mathematics professor born in the US. I don’t have the answers, but I think squashing a child’s natural instinct to ask “why?” is more harmful than helpful. Not only just for them, but for ourselves and everyone else as well. Because to truthfully answer the question “why?” requires an actual understanding of the subject matter.

Then again, maybe this is just reason #478 why Fathed should not reproduce.

Top 5 reasons it is better to be single on Valentine’s Day (Like I really had a choice)


In a couple of days Valentine’s Day will be upon us again. (Please don’t give me the stupid St. Valentine’s Day crap, I don’t need to hate the holiday more than I already do.) Once again I myself will be celebrating this fine holiday single and alone. What’s that you say? How does a fine male specimen such as myself end up alone on a day like Valentine’s Day? Let me say this. I hear you. My worldview is shattered by this news. I mean, how does one even begin to comprehend the implications this may have on the future of the human race? A creepy reclusive dirtbag metalhead is single and alone on a day based around romance. I know, that is just unheard of.

Even more unheard of is the fact that this is quite a common occurrence. Because I consider it my duty to impart my wisdom upon you, my 3 loyal readers, I give you this list that I have compiled from years of experience.

1) You can get as drunk as you want and no one is gonna stop you. This itself is a multiple part answer.

  • First, you obviously have no significant other to nag you when you’ve had enough
  • Second, the bartender isn’t gonna stop you. When you’ve finally passed out with your head laying on the bar and have a rather large wet spot  between your legs from pissing yourself, someone will ask the bartender why they kept serving you. They’ll just say “but Fathed was just sitting there all alone. On a day like today I felt kind of bad for the guy”. (This never happened to me, I swear.)
  • When you finally drank away enough of the loneliness to actually talk to other people, you may run into other singles. Due to the nature of the holiday, this other person may be rather lonely as well. This  means there is a good chance that this encounter may involve an exchange of spirits in small glasses. Thus accelerating your end goal of completely blacking the entire night out.

2) If you go out for dinner, you may get the best service you’ve ever received. This one is slightly more complicated in that it involves two situations. One, your server has to have an ability to care about other human beings. Two, you must possess somewhat of a lack of shame. Most people probably wouldn’t ever go out to eat by themselves on a normal night, let alone a night set aside for a romantic meal for couples. But, should these two conditions be met, you may very well receive the best service ever. Why? Because there is something kinda of sad and pathetic about a person enjoying a nice steak dinner by their self on Valentine’s night. This will inevitably trigger a pity response from your server. If you lack the shame to take advantage of the situation, enjoy your meal.

3) It is a great night to get shit done. Let’s face it, you’re single, so you don’t really have anything important to do. Technically this isn’t true. But with no one nagging you pick up the part to fix your leaking toilet, it has just been easier to lay on your couch watching Netflix. So now you’ve pushed it off for 3 months. I have good news for you. A lot of people are spending their night going out or staying in for a nice romantic dinner. Now is the time to run to the hardware store because these assholes won’t be in your way. The even better news is since these people in relationships are trying to enjoy a nice dinner alone, they’ve found a babysitter for their annoying bratty children. That means they won’t be running around, screaming, and just generally pissing you off either. Just try to stay away from places that sell Hallmark cards in the rush period between 3PM and 6PM. But you’re single, what the fuck are you doing in a place that sells Hallmark cards anyways?

4) The concept of Valentine’s Day is just stupid anyways. At first glance this may appear like my cynicism has completely taken over and I really have become a cranky curmudgeon. The reality is that this couldn’t be further from the truth. I actually like stuff like a nice romantic dinner with someone special. These are the things that make life worth living. But I don’t like the idea of scheduled romance that was determined by people other than yourselves. The truly best romance is unplanned and surprising. Setting aside a calendar day for romance is rather silly. Even worse is everyone scheduling the same day because it’s a “holiday”.

Now I’m sure someone is thinking “Well what about stuff like anniversaries?”. Yes, they are both days on the calendar predetermined before you even watched the year change. But there is a rather significant difference between anniversaries and Valentine’s Day. Anniversaries have a specific meaning to an individual couple, where as Valentine’s Day doesn’t. How special can a day be if everyone else is doing the same thing? You don’t believe me? Let’s do a little thought experiment. Pretend I’m getting married. Now pretend I’m telling you that I’m scheduling my wedding for the same day as your anniversary. What is your first reaction? It is “Fuck You Fathed!”, isn’t it? Now pretend I said I’m getting married on Valentine’s Day. What is your reaction now? It is “How cheesy and corny”, right? Thank you for proving my point.

5) You can save money by not having to buy pointless shit. Don’t get me wrong. I think giving gifts as a way of showing a person how much how much they mean to you is important. We’ve already established that Valentine’s Day really isn’t that special. So the gift you gave  probably didn’t get the reaction you were hoping for. He or she would probably remember and care about the gift more if you surprised him or her on any other day of the year. There you go. Money wasted (sort of). But not only that, the shit they try selling you is stupid. Does any woman really care about her stupid Vermont Teddy Bear for any reason other than the man she loves (loved) gave it to her? Of course not. It’s a stupid fucking Teddy Bear. But the company that makes them marketed them as a Valentine’s Day gift, and it became part of the culture. Valentine’s Day is one giant day of commercialization gone wrong. What in theory was supposed to be a wonderful day about love and romance became “Buy our stupid crap. If you don’t buy our stupid crap you’re an asshole because everyone else is the world did”. Ah yes, romance by coercion, it makes my heart skip a beat.

Then again, maybe I just completely missed the point. If so, chalk Valentine’s Day up as reason #471 why I’ll probably die alone.

LOVE…Make way for breeding!