Who Needs Equality?

Well the arguments about same-sex marriage are in. Being the open minded individual that I am I decided to weigh all the arguments before making a decision. That said, I do hereby wish to publicly state my opinion on same-sex marriage. I do hereby no longer support marriage equality. I am now of the opinion that the government should only support and recognize same-sex marriage. As usual I will back up my position with flawless logic.

1) It protects the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. If we look up the word sanctity in the dictionary it reads “The state or quality of being holy, sacred, or saintly”. As we all know, government is by its nature evil and ineffective. Therefore, having government’s hand in heterosexual marriage will only taint it. Everyone wins, same-sex couples get government recognition of their love, opposite-sex couples will have a sacred marriage uncorrupted by government hands.

Well, I guess single people don’t win here. But, fuck them! Everyone knows it is your duty as an American to get married. If you’re not married by now, you’re probably too ugly or stupid to find a partner anyways. America is the greatest nation on Earth. We don’t need your inferior genetics in our gene pool. Further research into deporting these traitorous scum is needed.


2) It is in the best interest of our nation’s children. Studies have shown that children raised  by same sex couples are less likely to be arrested for criminal behavior and more likely to graduate from college than their traditionally raised counterparts. Most state’s adoption policies give preferential treatment to married couples. Therefore it is in the best interest of our nation’s children to only recognize same-sex marriage so more children can be raised by same-sex couples.

I also propose a five billion dollar grant to research the possibility of outlawing opposite-sex parenting. Perhaps we should consider only using them as “baby-making factories”.

3) It reinforces our belief that marriage should be taken seriously. Same-sex couples have a much lower divorce rate than opposite sex couples. The fact that this is because most couldn’t be married in the first place is irrelevant. Marriage is serious and should not be taken lightly. Therefore only same-sex couples are qualified for governmental recognition.

Long term studies are needed. Should same-sex couple divorce rate rise to as high as current opposite sex rates, me may need to reconsider and remove all government recognition of marriage.

Share this if you agree. I spent several hours contemplating this, what I consider to be, well thought out argument. Thank you for your time.

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