Who Needs Equality?

Well the arguments about same-sex marriage are in. Being the open minded individual that I am I decided to weigh all the arguments before making a decision. That said, I do hereby wish to publicly state my opinion on same-sex marriage. I do hereby no longer support marriage equality. I am now of the opinion that the government should only support and recognize same-sex marriage. As usual I will back up my position with flawless logic.

1) It protects the sanctity of heterosexual marriage. If we look up the word sanctity in the dictionary it reads “The state or quality of being holy, sacred, or saintly”. As we all know, government is by its nature evil and ineffective. Therefore, having government’s hand in heterosexual marriage will only taint it. Everyone wins, same-sex couples get government recognition of their love, opposite-sex couples will have a sacred marriage uncorrupted by government hands.

Well, I guess single people don’t win here. But, fuck them! Everyone knows it is your duty as an American to get married. If you’re not married by now, you’re probably too ugly or stupid to find a partner anyways. America is the greatest nation on Earth. We don’t need your inferior genetics in our gene pool. Further research into deporting these traitorous scum is needed.

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2) It is in the best interest of our nation’s children. Studies have shown that children raised  by same sex couples are less likely to be arrested for criminal behavior and more likely to graduate from college than their traditionally raised counterparts. Most state’s adoption policies give preferential treatment to married couples. Therefore it is in the best interest of our nation’s children to only recognize same-sex marriage so more children can be raised by same-sex couples.

I also propose a five billion dollar grant to research the possibility of outlawing opposite-sex parenting. Perhaps we should consider only using them as “baby-making factories”.

3) It reinforces our belief that marriage should be taken seriously. Same-sex couples have a much lower divorce rate than opposite sex couples. The fact that this is because most couldn’t be married in the first place is irrelevant. Marriage is serious and should not be taken lightly. Therefore only same-sex couples are qualified for governmental recognition.

Long term studies are needed. Should same-sex couple divorce rate rise to as high as current opposite sex rates, me may need to reconsider and remove all government recognition of marriage.

Share this if you agree. I spent several hours contemplating this, what I consider to be, well thought out argument. Thank you for your time.

I’m going to Hell for this

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“And as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and blessed it, and broke it, and gave it to the disciples, and said, Take, eat; this is my body.”

“And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, Drink you all of it;” – Matthew 26:26-27

Pretty fucking silly, no? For those of you who don’t know, these lines are from the dinner Jesus had with his disciples the night  before being crucified. (For those of you that are actually Christians, this would be Thursday night) Most forms of Christianity honor this moment in their communion ceremonies. The Catholics take it to an ever higher level of insanity by claiming that at the moment of communion the communion wafer and wine literally turn into the actual body and blood of Christ. I went to Catholic CCD, they tried teaching me this crap.

Quite honestly the whole communion ceremony was always stupid to me. It was pretty much the thing that opened the door to me questioning the absurdity of religion. Why would Jesus want his disciples to eat his body and drink his blood? Why would his disciples actually do it? If God is omnipotent, why would he waste his time turning bread into flesh and wine into blood? What a fucking douchebag.

I have been thinking about it and I think I have come up with the solution. The biblical account of the Passover dinner speech Jesus gave to his disciples was just wrong. I think it went more like this:

I’ve had one desire since I was born
To see my body ripped and torn
To see my flesh devoured before my eyes
Only for you , I volunteer as a human sacrifice

Carve me up, slice me apart
Suck my guts and lick my heart
Chop me up, I like to be hurt
Drink my marrow and blood for dessert

EATEN…
My one desire, my only wish is to be-
EATEN…
The longer I live the more I’m dying to feel the pain
EATEN…
I would do anything to be-
EATEN…
My one desire, my only wish is to be-
EATEN…

Lyrics are compliments of Bloodbath, from their song Eaten, from their album Nightmares Made Flesh.

I’m sure by now there is at least one person foaming at the mouth. I don’t expect it to be any comfort, but that song isn’t really about Jesus. It is inspired by the case of Armin Meiwes and Bernd Brandes.

Happy Easter everyone, mwahahahahah!!!!!