In a couple of days Valentine’s Day will be upon us again. (Please don’t give me the stupid St. Valentine’s Day crap, I don’t need to hate the holiday more than I already do.) Once again I myself will be celebrating this fine holiday single and alone. What’s that you say? How does a fine male specimen such as myself end up alone on a day like Valentine’s Day? Let me say this. I hear you. My worldview is shattered by this news. I mean, how does one even begin to comprehend the implications this may have on the future of the human race? A creepy reclusive dirtbag metalhead is single and alone on a day based around romance. I know, that is just unheard of.
Even more unheard of is the fact that this is quite a common occurrence. Because I consider it my duty to impart my wisdom upon you, my 3 loyal readers, I give you this list that I have compiled from years of experience.
1) You can get as drunk as you want and no one is gonna stop you. This itself is a multiple part answer.
- First, you obviously have no significant other to nag you when you’ve had enough
- Second, the bartender isn’t gonna stop you. When you’ve finally passed out with your head laying on the bar and have a rather large wet spot between your legs from pissing yourself, someone will ask the bartender why they kept serving you. They’ll just say “but Fathed was just sitting there all alone. On a day like today I felt kind of bad for the guy”. (This never happened to me, I swear.)
- When you finally drank away enough of the loneliness to actually talk to other people, you may run into other singles. Due to the nature of the holiday, this other person may be rather lonely as well. This means there is a good chance that this encounter may involve an exchange of spirits in small glasses. Thus accelerating your end goal of completely blacking the entire night out.
2) If you go out for dinner, you may get the best service you’ve ever received. This one is slightly more complicated in that it involves two situations. One, your server has to have an ability to care about other human beings. Two, you must possess somewhat of a lack of shame. Most people probably wouldn’t ever go out to eat by themselves on a normal night, let alone a night set aside for a romantic meal for couples. But, should these two conditions be met, you may very well receive the best service ever. Why? Because there is something kinda of sad and pathetic about a person enjoying a nice steak dinner by their self on Valentine’s night. This will inevitably trigger a pity response from your server. If you lack the shame to take advantage of the situation, enjoy your meal.
3) It is a great night to get shit done. Let’s face it, you’re single, so you don’t really have anything important to do. Technically this isn’t true. But with no one nagging you pick up the part to fix your leaking toilet, it has just been easier to lay on your couch watching Netflix. So now you’ve pushed it off for 3 months. I have good news for you. A lot of people are spending their night going out or staying in for a nice romantic dinner. Now is the time to run to the hardware store because these assholes won’t be in your way. The even better news is since these people in relationships are trying to enjoy a nice dinner alone, they’ve found a babysitter for their annoying bratty children. That means they won’t be running around, screaming, and just generally pissing you off either. Just try to stay away from places that sell Hallmark cards in the rush period between 3PM and 6PM. But you’re single, what the fuck are you doing in a place that sells Hallmark cards anyways?
4) The concept of Valentine’s Day is just stupid anyways. At first glance this may appear like my cynicism has completely taken over and I really have become a cranky curmudgeon. The reality is that this couldn’t be further from the truth. I actually like stuff like a nice romantic dinner with someone special. These are the things that make life worth living. But I don’t like the idea of scheduled romance that was determined by people other than yourselves. The truly best romance is unplanned and surprising. Setting aside a calendar day for romance is rather silly. Even worse is everyone scheduling the same day because it’s a “holiday”.
Now I’m sure someone is thinking “Well what about stuff like anniversaries?”. Yes, they are both days on the calendar predetermined before you even watched the year change. But there is a rather significant difference between anniversaries and Valentine’s Day. Anniversaries have a specific meaning to an individual couple, where as Valentine’s Day doesn’t. How special can a day be if everyone else is doing the same thing? You don’t believe me? Let’s do a little thought experiment. Pretend I’m getting married. Now pretend I’m telling you that I’m scheduling my wedding for the same day as your anniversary. What is your first reaction? It is “Fuck You Fathed!”, isn’t it? Now pretend I said I’m getting married on Valentine’s Day. What is your reaction now? It is “How cheesy and corny”, right? Thank you for proving my point.
5) You can save money by not having to buy pointless shit. Don’t get me wrong. I think giving gifts as a way of showing a person how much how much they mean to you is important. We’ve already established that Valentine’s Day really isn’t that special. So the gift you gave probably didn’t get the reaction you were hoping for. He or she would probably remember and care about the gift more if you surprised him or her on any other day of the year. There you go. Money wasted (sort of). But not only that, the shit they try selling you is stupid. Does any woman really care about her stupid Vermont Teddy Bear for any reason other than the man she loves (loved) gave it to her? Of course not. It’s a stupid fucking Teddy Bear. But the company that makes them marketed them as a Valentine’s Day gift, and it became part of the culture. Valentine’s Day is one giant day of commercialization gone wrong. What in theory was supposed to be a wonderful day about love and romance became “Buy our stupid crap. If you don’t buy our stupid crap you’re an asshole because everyone else is the world did”. Ah yes, romance by coercion, it makes my heart skip a beat.
Then again, maybe I just completely missed the point. If so, chalk Valentine’s Day up as reason #471 why I’ll probably die alone.
LOVE…Make way for breeding!